September 6, 2009

*Indian filmmakers should stop trying to pass off slutty as modern. I’m referring to the latest blemish on the name of cinema that Bollywood (they piss me off! GRRR!!!) has to offer – Love Aaj Kal. It’s not a movie, it’s a 3 hour root canal! For the love of God, when the educated masses all over the world are discovering the genius of Rumi, these retards actually used the term “ding-dong” in song lyrics! The only reason I sat through till the end was because I have mild OCD and have to finish what I started. Dear Meera (that’s the name of the female lead character), just because you fornicate a lot, dress like a hooker, pretend to be drunk so that your boyfriend makes a move at you, marry a guy and ditch the poor bastard the very next day just on a whim doesn’t make you a modern liberated woman free to make her choices – it makes you a ROYAL whore! When I started watching the movie I was a liberal, pro-globalization rationalist. After the movie, I threw out my shaving razor and prayed that the Taliban should take over the world.

*Michael Bay should really cut back on the violence. He does more damage in 90 minutes than the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs could have ever hoped to achieve. Legend has it that Superman went in to see Transformers 2 and when he came out, what he thought was a fly buzzing in the next city was in fact his ears ringing!

*”They were the most spectacular, terrifying and successful life-forms ever.”

These words were spoken by the late Walter Cronkite in “Tale of a Tooth” – the first installment in a four part documentary series on dinosaurs titled simply Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs – a term now synonymous with extinction. Extinction because dinosaurs couldn’t adapt to a newer changing world that was eventually taken over by bright-eyed, faster, more adaptable mammals.

I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between this and recent political happenings. First, the crushing defeat suffered by the BJP in India. Then, there was a certain someone who wanted to do a certain something on Valentines day and found himself inundated by more pink underwear than in Little Richard’s closet. Given the humiliation and ridicule faced by right-wing parties and activists, does this mean the right wing parties are losing their hold in India? Does this reflect the mindset of a changing India?

Almost all countries have always been divided into liberals and conservatives. And nowhere is this divide more obvious than in India. Right-wing parties scream, threaten. ransack and pillage like the medieval savages that they are, but the winds of globalization are quietly sweeping a change. The conservative vs. liberal divide is no longer merely about politics. The divide can be seen in the everyday life of more than 1 billion Indians. Take for instance the infamous arranged marriage vs. love marriage debate. Wait a minute. The antonym of arranged marriage has progressed far far beyond merely love marriage. Conservative stereotypes straight out of an 80’s Bollywood movie who thought an innocent  love affair will mitti me mila the khaandaan’s izzat will suffer a heart attack if they take a look at the shit going on today – one night stands, live-ins, friendships of convenience, speed-dating, alternate sexuality and who knows what else? And if you’re thinking youngsters, you’re really not from this planet.

People are now waking up to the fact that there is nothing morally wrong with dating and flirting. It’s just an excuse made up by those who can’t get laid. Wedding vows are changing from “I have to” to “I do”.

And here’s the new definition of arranged marriage – incompetent biological entities who have lost the mating game turn to their parents in desperation and say, “I give up. Mom, dad, please help me find a mate because I’m not capable enough to walk up to a girl and start a conversation.”

And yes, section 377 is decriminalized and buggery is legal. I’m a straight guy and now people eye me suspiciously whenever I hang out with my guy friends. Remember the good old days when reputations would be spoilt by being seen with girls? When a guy and a girl are seen together in public, people no longer whisper “they are sleeping together.” A woman ogled at no longer gives you the old “Ghar mein maa behen…” monologue. She is now flattered and it makes her day, that she’s stare-worthy!

Earlier, Indians used to think there were just three professions – doctors, engineers and pimps. But now, professions are varied and multi-hued and an office is no longer rusty steel tables, S-chairs and Godrej lockers and rickety old fans. They are now swank, carpeted, air-conditioned and the restrooms have soap dispensers. The ceilings are false and the decor is truly international. Downtime is low and spirits are high. Are as most of the employees, since they’re fresh out of college.

And people have actually learnt how to enjoy their hard-earned buck. Today if a middle-aged office-goer is saving money, it’s for a vacation in Goa, not the beti ki shaadi.

Bata has been replaced by Woodlands and Converse All-stars. Amar Chitra Katha and Chandamama by Harry Potter. Balconies and Gandhi Class by the egalitarian(?) multiplexes. City markets by malls. Coconut oil by imported conditioner. Names like McDonalds, Barista and Papa John’s were unheard of 10 years ago. Look out on the streets. the one dressed as a westerner is the Indian and the one dressed in Indian garb is the westerner. Hedonism is no longer a sin – it’s a lifestyle!

Where does god stand in all this? Well, liberals don’t need to chase the heaven in the sky. They have their heaven right here. They know what they want and they go for it. Religion for them is just a cock-blocker.

Meanwhile, the oily-faced, pot-bellied conservatives who have given up all hopes of ever fitting in to normal civilized society continue chasing the heaven up in the skies while ironically destroying the heaven that earth could have been had they diverted their energies towards bettering their lives here on earth.

In age when politically correct language, corporate manners and professional communication are the norm (i.e. your subordinate can drag you the Human Resource manager if he feels your “tone of voice was not proper”) our politicians bicker, brawl and trash-talk e ach other like those hirsute overcompensating tough guys in southern trash cinema, further spoiling the already in jeopardy reputation of their party. Kind of ironic that they should call themselves a party because the only connection between them and a party is when they poop on one.

Bottom-line is, in an increasingly globalized world, the left is moving in the right direction and right is being left behind.

If you stand still, you’re moving backwards at the speed of light.