September 6, 2009

*Indian filmmakers should stop trying to pass off slutty as modern. I’m referring to the latest blemish on the name of cinema that Bollywood (they piss me off! GRRR!!!) has to offer – Love Aaj Kal. It’s not a movie, it’s a 3 hour root canal! For the love of God, when the educated masses all over the world are discovering the genius of Rumi, these retards actually used the term “ding-dong” in song lyrics! The only reason I sat through till the end was because I have mild OCD and have to finish what I started. Dear Meera (that’s the name of the female lead character), just because you fornicate a lot, dress like a hooker, pretend to be drunk so that your boyfriend makes a move at you, marry a guy and ditch the poor bastard the very next day just on a whim doesn’t make you a modern liberated woman free to make her choices – it makes you a ROYAL whore! When I started watching the movie I was a liberal, pro-globalization rationalist. After the movie, I threw out my shaving razor and prayed that the Taliban should take over the world.

*Michael Bay should really cut back on the violence. He does more damage in 90 minutes than the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs could have ever hoped to achieve. Legend has it that Superman went in to see Transformers 2 and when he came out, what he thought was a fly buzzing in the next city was in fact his ears ringing!

*”They were the most spectacular, terrifying and successful life-forms ever.”

These words were spoken by the late Walter Cronkite in “Tale of a Tooth” – the first installment in a four part documentary series on dinosaurs titled simply Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs – a term now synonymous with extinction. Extinction because dinosaurs couldn’t adapt to a newer changing world that was eventually taken over by bright-eyed, faster, more adaptable mammals.

I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between this and recent political happenings. First, the crushing defeat suffered by the BJP in India. Then, there was a certain someone who wanted to do a certain something on Valentines day and found himself inundated by more pink underwear than in Little Richard’s closet. Given the humiliation and ridicule faced by right-wing parties and activists, does this mean the right wing parties are losing their hold in India? Does this reflect the mindset of a changing India?

Almost all countries have always been divided into liberals and conservatives. And nowhere is this divide more obvious than in India. Right-wing parties scream, threaten. ransack and pillage like the medieval savages that they are, but the winds of globalization are quietly sweeping a change. The conservative vs. liberal divide is no longer merely about politics. The divide can be seen in the everyday life of more than 1 billion Indians. Take for instance the infamous arranged marriage vs. love marriage debate. Wait a minute. The antonym of arranged marriage has progressed far far beyond merely love marriage. Conservative stereotypes straight out of an 80’s Bollywood movie who thought an innocent  love affair will mitti me mila the khaandaan’s izzat will suffer a heart attack if they take a look at the shit going on today – one night stands, live-ins, friendships of convenience, speed-dating, alternate sexuality and who knows what else? And if you’re thinking youngsters, you’re really not from this planet.

People are now waking up to the fact that there is nothing morally wrong with dating and flirting. It’s just an excuse made up by those who can’t get laid. Wedding vows are changing from “I have to” to “I do”.

And here’s the new definition of arranged marriage – incompetent biological entities who have lost the mating game turn to their parents in desperation and say, “I give up. Mom, dad, please help me find a mate because I’m not capable enough to walk up to a girl and start a conversation.”

And yes, section 377 is decriminalized and buggery is legal. I’m a straight guy and now people eye me suspiciously whenever I hang out with my guy friends. Remember the good old days when reputations would be spoilt by being seen with girls? When a guy and a girl are seen together in public, people no longer whisper “they are sleeping together.” A woman ogled at no longer gives you the old “Ghar mein maa behen…” monologue. She is now flattered and it makes her day, that she’s stare-worthy!

Earlier, Indians used to think there were just three professions – doctors, engineers and pimps. But now, professions are varied and multi-hued and an office is no longer rusty steel tables, S-chairs and Godrej lockers and rickety old fans. They are now swank, carpeted, air-conditioned and the restrooms have soap dispensers. The ceilings are false and the decor is truly international. Downtime is low and spirits are high. Are as most of the employees, since they’re fresh out of college.

And people have actually learnt how to enjoy their hard-earned buck. Today if a middle-aged office-goer is saving money, it’s for a vacation in Goa, not the beti ki shaadi.

Bata has been replaced by Woodlands and Converse All-stars. Amar Chitra Katha and Chandamama by Harry Potter. Balconies and Gandhi Class by the egalitarian(?) multiplexes. City markets by malls. Coconut oil by imported conditioner. Names like McDonalds, Barista and Papa John’s were unheard of 10 years ago. Look out on the streets. the one dressed as a westerner is the Indian and the one dressed in Indian garb is the westerner. Hedonism is no longer a sin – it’s a lifestyle!

Where does god stand in all this? Well, liberals don’t need to chase the heaven in the sky. They have their heaven right here. They know what they want and they go for it. Religion for them is just a cock-blocker.

Meanwhile, the oily-faced, pot-bellied conservatives who have given up all hopes of ever fitting in to normal civilized society continue chasing the heaven up in the skies while ironically destroying the heaven that earth could have been had they diverted their energies towards bettering their lives here on earth.

In age when politically correct language, corporate manners and professional communication are the norm (i.e. your subordinate can drag you the Human Resource manager if he feels your “tone of voice was not proper”) our politicians bicker, brawl and trash-talk e ach other like those hirsute overcompensating tough guys in southern trash cinema, further spoiling the already in jeopardy reputation of their party. Kind of ironic that they should call themselves a party because the only connection between them and a party is when they poop on one.

Bottom-line is, in an increasingly globalized world, the left is moving in the right direction and right is being left behind.

If you stand still, you’re moving backwards at the speed of light.


Dragon Bollocks!

August 16, 2009

China says India has to be split into 20-30 parts. Thanks, but we have enough splits as it is – between liberals and conservatives, left-wing and right-wing, old and young, nationalists and separatists, democratic and communist, clerics and laymen, hardliners and moderates, pro-gay and anti-gay, fanatics and seculars, north and south, east and west, rich and poor, nerdy and cool, haves and have-nots, fair and dark, arranged marriage and love marriage, capitalists and working class, malls and mom-and-pop stores, Anil and Mukesh Ambani, vegetarians and bloodthirsty carnivores and you still want to improve on this? But the Chinese do have a point. There is so much in-fighting in India, perhaps all these cliques should have their own hood, for instance, Pramod Mutalik and his gang of woman-haters could be given their own little island where they can spend the rest of their days in their own Utopian world, completely devoid of females, you know, like the last dinosaurs. But at the end of the day, yes, the idea is quixotic and delusional. And I’ll tell you who else is delusional. You are, if you still believe in the myth of “Unity in Diversity.” Read the first paragraph again. And the Indian government has issued a tactfully worded statement expressing its displeasure over this “suggestion”. And guess who else is warning China. It’s everybody’s favorite bearded badass – Osama Bin Laden. Apparently, Laden’s all pissy about ‘cause last months civil unrest in China has resulted in a number of Muslim deaths, and he has ‘warned’China. Uh, not the best idea, messing with a permanent member of the UNSC. He did that with America and we all know how well that one worked out. Bin Laden and China would be one confrontation I would not want to miss. Imagine – Chinese troops raid Bin Laden’s lair and Osama, all beefed up about his impending 72 virgins (the closest a hardliner will ever get to 3rd base), picks up his AK-47 and yells “Allahuakbar!” and proceeds to fire, but the infidels wont die ‘cause his gun won’t fire, prompting him to yell, “Wtf!? It’s jammed!” And the Chinese would be like, “What do you expect? It’s Made in China.” But let’s face it, we have a lot to learn form the Chinese. Communism sucks, yeah, but all kids get free and compulsory education up to the age of 14 in China. They kick our ass at the Olympics year after year after year. They’ve even hosted the last Olympics and very successfully. We don’t have a single city that can match up to Shanghai or Beijing. But China does have its downsides too. We Indians irritate cine-connoisseurs with our cheesy song-and-dance scenes. The do the same with Kung Fu. They make millions by reverse engineering manufactured goods. We reverse engineer bad Hollywood movies. But the Chinese are definitely more progressive and forward-looking, which is more than I can say for our pot-bellied, oily-faced Indian legislators. Anyone noticed how Indian laws always centre on “stopping” and “banning” and “preventing”? Ban cellphones in schools, ban smoking in public places, shut shops and restaurants at 11:30, ban live music, ban bar-dancers, its always “stop this, ban that.” This is even mirrored in our infrastructure. The roads are bad, but the speed-breakers are always curvaceous and spectacular! But if you try and stop the Chinese, they’ll shoot you if need be. And no doubt about it, they’re great at filling lead in things.