September 21, 2009

*I can understand the American public’s resentment over the photo of Barrack Obama where it looks like he’s checking out a woman’s ass. Remember what happened the last time they elected a Democrat?

And get over Bill Clinton already. Guy gets blown, big deal! Clinton was human. Clinton was a gentleman. Bush was the blowhard!

Clinton is a charismatic diplomat who rescued Euna Lee and Laura Ling, the two imprisoned American journalists ,from North Korea this year. That too from a person like Kim Jong-il. As opposed to George Bush yelling “Bring it on!” like a cheerleader in a catfight.

*Alan Wilson Jr. is right. There isn’t 1 racist bone in his father’s body. There’s 206.

 *Horrible things are happening to people who are trying to steal the limelight from Barrack Obama in the news. Micheal Jackson died, Yelena Isinbayeva lost the gold, Chinese hit by floods, Malaysian model sentenced to caning, Schumacher’s big comeback plans cancelled, Jaswant Singh gets expelled from BJP, Baitullah Mehsud dies, Bernie Madoff is jailed, fires in Athens, wildfires in California, Lockerbie bomber is dying of cancer, Suu Kyi’s prison sentence is extended – is Obama voodooing out the competition?

*Silvio Berlusconi has defended his actions saying Italians support him and want to be like him. Dude. You are 72-years old and nail lingerie models on their 18th birthday. Anybody would want to be like you!

Meanwhile, wannabe comedians should stop trying to sell lame old Clinton jokes by replacing Clinton’s name with Berlusconi. And don’t try to pick up a woman using one of those. The irony is, you’re hoping to get as much tail as Berlusconi, i.e. hoping to get there by making fun of the very man you’re hoping to be like.

*Stop chastizing Shashi Tharoor for calling Economy Class Cattle Class. He wasn’t being a snob, he was just referring to Air India’s Air Hostesses – fat, old cows.

*Meanwhile, attacks on Indians in Australia continue. And all Kevin Rudd Has to say is, “Australia is safer than America.” What the hell? Are we supposed to be impressed by that? America is the land of Al Capone, MS-13, The Crips and Dick Cheney! Any place is safer than America!

*Okay, I know this is an old one, but I still can’t get over the whole Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal. Just what the hell were they thinking when they took those photographs!? I mean there’s a ton of totally awesome cool things you could do in the military that you could take photographs of. You could photograph yourself beside an F-22 raptor or an M134 Gatling gun or standing on the deck of a multi-billion dollar aircraft carrier, and all these retards had to show was, “Hey look, I got gay with a bunch of hairy, naked A-rabs!”.

I mean photographs! They could have looked like movie stars if they wanted to, like Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme. But I’ll bet the movie they had in mind was Willie Comes Marching Home.



September 6, 2009

*Indian filmmakers should stop trying to pass off slutty as modern. I’m referring to the latest blemish on the name of cinema that Bollywood (they piss me off! GRRR!!!) has to offer – Love Aaj Kal. It’s not a movie, it’s a 3 hour root canal! For the love of God, when the educated masses all over the world are discovering the genius of Rumi, these retards actually used the term “ding-dong” in song lyrics! The only reason I sat through till the end was because I have mild OCD and have to finish what I started. Dear Meera (that’s the name of the female lead character), just because you fornicate a lot, dress like a hooker, pretend to be drunk so that your boyfriend makes a move at you, marry a guy and ditch the poor bastard the very next day just on a whim doesn’t make you a modern liberated woman free to make her choices – it makes you a ROYAL whore! When I started watching the movie I was a liberal, pro-globalization rationalist. After the movie, I threw out my shaving razor and prayed that the Taliban should take over the world.

*Michael Bay should really cut back on the violence. He does more damage in 90 minutes than the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs could have ever hoped to achieve. Legend has it that Superman went in to see Transformers 2 and when he came out, what he thought was a fly buzzing in the next city was in fact his ears ringing!

*”They were the most spectacular, terrifying and successful life-forms ever.”

These words were spoken by the late Walter Cronkite in “Tale of a Tooth” – the first installment in a four part documentary series on dinosaurs titled simply Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs – a term now synonymous with extinction. Extinction because dinosaurs couldn’t adapt to a newer changing world that was eventually taken over by bright-eyed, faster, more adaptable mammals.

I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between this and recent political happenings. First, the crushing defeat suffered by the BJP in India. Then, there was a certain someone who wanted to do a certain something on Valentines day and found himself inundated by more pink underwear than in Little Richard’s closet. Given the humiliation and ridicule faced by right-wing parties and activists, does this mean the right wing parties are losing their hold in India? Does this reflect the mindset of a changing India?

Almost all countries have always been divided into liberals and conservatives. And nowhere is this divide more obvious than in India. Right-wing parties scream, threaten. ransack and pillage like the medieval savages that they are, but the winds of globalization are quietly sweeping a change. The conservative vs. liberal divide is no longer merely about politics. The divide can be seen in the everyday life of more than 1 billion Indians. Take for instance the infamous arranged marriage vs. love marriage debate. Wait a minute. The antonym of arranged marriage has progressed far far beyond merely love marriage. Conservative stereotypes straight out of an 80’s Bollywood movie who thought an innocent  love affair will mitti me mila the khaandaan’s izzat will suffer a heart attack if they take a look at the shit going on today – one night stands, live-ins, friendships of convenience, speed-dating, alternate sexuality and who knows what else? And if you’re thinking youngsters, you’re really not from this planet.

People are now waking up to the fact that there is nothing morally wrong with dating and flirting. It’s just an excuse made up by those who can’t get laid. Wedding vows are changing from “I have to” to “I do”.

And here’s the new definition of arranged marriage – incompetent biological entities who have lost the mating game turn to their parents in desperation and say, “I give up. Mom, dad, please help me find a mate because I’m not capable enough to walk up to a girl and start a conversation.”

And yes, section 377 is decriminalized and buggery is legal. I’m a straight guy and now people eye me suspiciously whenever I hang out with my guy friends. Remember the good old days when reputations would be spoilt by being seen with girls? When a guy and a girl are seen together in public, people no longer whisper “they are sleeping together.” A woman ogled at no longer gives you the old “Ghar mein maa behen…” monologue. She is now flattered and it makes her day, that she’s stare-worthy!

Earlier, Indians used to think there were just three professions – doctors, engineers and pimps. But now, professions are varied and multi-hued and an office is no longer rusty steel tables, S-chairs and Godrej lockers and rickety old fans. They are now swank, carpeted, air-conditioned and the restrooms have soap dispensers. The ceilings are false and the decor is truly international. Downtime is low and spirits are high. Are as most of the employees, since they’re fresh out of college.

And people have actually learnt how to enjoy their hard-earned buck. Today if a middle-aged office-goer is saving money, it’s for a vacation in Goa, not the beti ki shaadi.

Bata has been replaced by Woodlands and Converse All-stars. Amar Chitra Katha and Chandamama by Harry Potter. Balconies and Gandhi Class by the egalitarian(?) multiplexes. City markets by malls. Coconut oil by imported conditioner. Names like McDonalds, Barista and Papa John’s were unheard of 10 years ago. Look out on the streets. the one dressed as a westerner is the Indian and the one dressed in Indian garb is the westerner. Hedonism is no longer a sin – it’s a lifestyle!

Where does god stand in all this? Well, liberals don’t need to chase the heaven in the sky. They have their heaven right here. They know what they want and they go for it. Religion for them is just a cock-blocker.

Meanwhile, the oily-faced, pot-bellied conservatives who have given up all hopes of ever fitting in to normal civilized society continue chasing the heaven up in the skies while ironically destroying the heaven that earth could have been had they diverted their energies towards bettering their lives here on earth.

In age when politically correct language, corporate manners and professional communication are the norm (i.e. your subordinate can drag you the Human Resource manager if he feels your “tone of voice was not proper”) our politicians bicker, brawl and trash-talk e ach other like those hirsute overcompensating tough guys in southern trash cinema, further spoiling the already in jeopardy reputation of their party. Kind of ironic that they should call themselves a party because the only connection between them and a party is when they poop on one.

Bottom-line is, in an increasingly globalized world, the left is moving in the right direction and right is being left behind.

If you stand still, you’re moving backwards at the speed of light.