August 23, 2009


My first reaction was, “What the heck? Instead of trying to take other women’s clothes off, Nikolas Sarkozy should instead focus on trying to get his wife to wear some! Besides, that job has already been taken by Silvio Berlusconi and he’s really good at it!

Let me get this straight. I’m not a big fan of headscarves myself, be it the Islamic hijab or the nun’s habit. That’s just my opinion and if the religious police have a problem with that, they can go pray me away. It’s not a question of whether it’s right or wrong, the question is, “So what if a chick wants to wrap a cloth around her head?” Is it the end of the world? Is that really the most pressing issue at hand right now? Is that what people elect Presidents for? To interfere with women’s wardrobes? Instead of focusing on improving the economy and fighting swine flu, why is the President focusing on such a trivial non-issue? France has much more important issues to worry about, like all those ridiculous haute couture clothes. Ban those! For the love of god, I’m losing my head trying to figure out what they’re about!

 Sarko was quick to label Obama as “inexperienced”. But has he learnt nothing from the recent history of his own country? Is he so naïve as to not take into account the fury, backlash and bad PR this will bring? Remember the 2005 riots by Algerian immigrants? (Yes, Muslims.) In these troubled times, when the Western World is in damage control mode with Muslims all over, why is Sarkozy hell-bent on undoing what Obama tried to do with his famous Cairo speech? Napoleon Complex? I thought France was all about freedom – the freedom to wear (or not wear) whatever you want. But by banning headscarves, Sarkozy is no better than the hardliners he’s trying to send a message to. 


You can’t claim to be brainstorming when there are no brains involved. I’m referring of course, to the BJP’s post-mortem meeting in Shimla. Right wing groups are opposed to change and innovation by definition. What brains do you need to maintain status quo and keep your country in the dark ages? For merely hinting a change in outlook, they ousted a comrade of 30 years. Jaswant Singh is not a traitor, he’s a martyr for the cause of freedom of speech, because despite 60 years of independence, India is still a country where morons will make you change the name of your movie from “Billoo Barber” to “Billoo” because according to them, calling a barber a barber is offensive! I would understand if the movie was called something like “Billoo – the gossip-mongering, minimum-wage, lip-cutter”, but something as harmless as “Barber”? Come on, grow up!

 Religious fanatics of all religions blindly enforce ridiculous rules on ordinary citizens without thinking of the practical feasibility of their so-called “divine laws” – be it the stoning of women, forbidding the use of contraceptives, or preventing lovers from dating on Valentine’s day. In fact, the only justification a hardliner can offer you for enforcing a rule is, “Because it’s there!” That’s the same excuse George Costanza (of Seinfeld, for the uninitiated) had to offer when his mother caught him…


*Teen Icon Miley Cyrus’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus, defended her pole-dancing act at a recent event by saying, “It was just for entertainment.” Well, Einstein, of course it’s for entertainment! What do you think all the rest of the strippers are doing up there, researching a cure for cancer!?

*Donald Trump says controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean’s naked photos are “Okay.” Well, thanks for overstating the obvious. Let’s see now, they’re pictures of a woman. She’s beautiful. And she’s naked. I’d say they’re more than okay.

*Gwen Stefani is worried about her son, Zuma, becoming a social misfit. Then why has she named her son after a frog that spits colored balls in a gutter? (Zuma is a popular computer game, google it.)


Dragon Bollocks!

August 16, 2009

China says India has to be split into 20-30 parts. Thanks, but we have enough splits as it is – between liberals and conservatives, left-wing and right-wing, old and young, nationalists and separatists, democratic and communist, clerics and laymen, hardliners and moderates, pro-gay and anti-gay, fanatics and seculars, north and south, east and west, rich and poor, nerdy and cool, haves and have-nots, fair and dark, arranged marriage and love marriage, capitalists and working class, malls and mom-and-pop stores, Anil and Mukesh Ambani, vegetarians and bloodthirsty carnivores and you still want to improve on this? But the Chinese do have a point. There is so much in-fighting in India, perhaps all these cliques should have their own hood, for instance, Pramod Mutalik and his gang of woman-haters could be given their own little island where they can spend the rest of their days in their own Utopian world, completely devoid of females, you know, like the last dinosaurs. But at the end of the day, yes, the idea is quixotic and delusional. And I’ll tell you who else is delusional. You are, if you still believe in the myth of “Unity in Diversity.” Read the first paragraph again. And the Indian government has issued a tactfully worded statement expressing its displeasure over this “suggestion”. And guess who else is warning China. It’s everybody’s favorite bearded badass – Osama Bin Laden. Apparently, Laden’s all pissy about ‘cause last months civil unrest in China has resulted in a number of Muslim deaths, and he has ‘warned’China. Uh, not the best idea, messing with a permanent member of the UNSC. He did that with America and we all know how well that one worked out. Bin Laden and China would be one confrontation I would not want to miss. Imagine – Chinese troops raid Bin Laden’s lair and Osama, all beefed up about his impending 72 virgins (the closest a hardliner will ever get to 3rd base), picks up his AK-47 and yells “Allahuakbar!” and proceeds to fire, but the infidels wont die ‘cause his gun won’t fire, prompting him to yell, “Wtf!? It’s jammed!” And the Chinese would be like, “What do you expect? It’s Made in China.” But let’s face it, we have a lot to learn form the Chinese. Communism sucks, yeah, but all kids get free and compulsory education up to the age of 14 in China. They kick our ass at the Olympics year after year after year. They’ve even hosted the last Olympics and very successfully. We don’t have a single city that can match up to Shanghai or Beijing. But China does have its downsides too. We Indians irritate cine-connoisseurs with our cheesy song-and-dance scenes. The do the same with Kung Fu. They make millions by reverse engineering manufactured goods. We reverse engineer bad Hollywood movies. But the Chinese are definitely more progressive and forward-looking, which is more than I can say for our pot-bellied, oily-faced Indian legislators. Anyone noticed how Indian laws always centre on “stopping” and “banning” and “preventing”? Ban cellphones in schools, ban smoking in public places, shut shops and restaurants at 11:30, ban live music, ban bar-dancers, its always “stop this, ban that.” This is even mirrored in our infrastructure. The roads are bad, but the speed-breakers are always curvaceous and spectacular! But if you try and stop the Chinese, they’ll shoot you if need be. And no doubt about it, they’re great at filling lead in things.

So Republicans screwed the world over, and yet they persist trying to save their image, trying to sell the idea that they’re actually doing something. And their idea of that is, beating around the bush and nit-picking over Barrack Obama’s every little move. For example, the way they criticized him for bowing in front of the Saudi Monarch. Which is kind of odd, because when I think of politicians bending over, I usually think Mark Foley or Larry Craig.


And let me clear this once and for all. When they call George Bush “Bush 43”, they’re referring to his IQ.


Meanwhile, the recession seems to show no signs of slowing down. The sub-prime mortgage crisis is the biggest real estate debacle since the pyramids. Yeah, the pyramids, I mean what the heck? All that tons of limestone, decades of construction and billions spent and an entire nation of manpower mobilized all just to hold a bunch of corpses? Spending all that money for people who don’t need money. Sounds like one of Obama’s bail-out packages. But the pyramids did turn out to be money-spinners in the end – 5000 years later! Egypt now has a tourism industry thanks to the pyramids. But an investment that took 5000 years to bear fruit? Come on! By then, your language is hieroglyphics and your religious symbols are used as knick-knacks in strip clubs (I heard).


Just when you think things couldn’t get worse, AIG comes crashing down, suffering the largest corporate loss recorded in history. And this affects me. I live and work in Bangalore. No, I’m not in outsourcing. And my perks include free transport, free cookies and a family medical plan. And guess which Insurance Company is behind my medical plan. AIG. So it kind of disturbs me that the people taking care of my health are on their death-bed themselves. In fact, I’m looking forward to claim health insurance from a company that might not even be there next month. And is as that’s not enough, somebody in there is a comedian. You know what Indian Company AIG has a tie-up with? You’re not gonna believe this. It’s TATA-AIG. Expect more collaborations, like Sayonara Citibank and So Long General Motors.


 And news from the home-front, Indian legislators decided to crack down big time on “ragging”, the crime of college seniors harassing freshmen and noobs. But some of them justified it by using that old Indian excuse. See according to them, it’s fine because its also done in America. Everything is fine as long as America’s doing it. Last year, at a Bollywood awards function, Ashutosh Gowariker and Sajid Khan had an ugly, very public spat over the latter’s allegedly offensive jokes. And Sajid Khan’s defense? “They do it at the Oscars!” Hey, you know what retards? Here’s something else America’s doing. They have gay senators. So the next time a fat hairy guy gropes you, soak it up, Americans are doing it!

The American Nightmare

August 2, 2009

Bush for President was such a bad idea from the beginning. You’re telling me that the US military, the world’s most powerful war machine with a budget allocation of more than 700 billion dollars a year, was left in the hands of some retarded Texan cowboy and a guy who can’t even come back in one piece from a quail hunting trip!?

Furthermore, what’s this bullshit about Iran and its plans for a nuclear holocaust? Iran is not gonna blow the world up. In fact, it was Washington that was responsible for the last blow that shook the world. It was called “The Lewinsky Scandal”.

The so-called war on terrorism has yielded nothing but bloodshed and widespread anti-American sentiment. Terrorists are breeding like rabbits on aphrodisiacs and baying for America’s blood like never before. The world is gripped by fear and paranoia like never before. Airport security procedures for instance are overkill. By the time you step out of the plane and out on to American soil, you get grasped and groped by more men than Jenna Jameson in her entire career. This gives a whole new meaning to “goods damaged in transit.”

But then again, it’s a matter of perspective. There are people who get offended by the mere thought that they could be strip-searched by a female officer. The way I see it, I’ve barely landed on American soil and already a woman’s asking me to take my clothes off! Talk about Land of Opportunity.

But seriously, how long has it been since you’ve heard the terms “Land of Opportunity” and “American Dream”? America is no longer about that. It’s no longer the country we grew up loving. People no longer wish to go to America.  They now wish America doesn’t come to them.

The myth that America is #1 in everything has long since been debunked, at least in the minds of the well-read and well-informed. They definitely do no have the best economy right now. They’re not the freest country in the world, like most jihadists would like to believe.  They don’t make the best cars in the world. That would be the Italians (For that matter, add Italian before anything and it sounds real fancy – Italian shoes, Italian leather, Italian suits, Italian marble, get the gist?). In fact, Europeans are better at most things than the Americans. Europe is the center of arts, fine cuisine and culture. Ever heard of a European badly wanting to go on an America tour?

When Americans travel to Europe, they carry cameras, hats and sunglasses. When Europeans travel to America, they carry antacids and laxatives.

And the education situation in America is so abysmally low, they’re actually looking up to the Chinese and Indians. In fact, they’re becoming so stupid, half the people think “denigrate” means ethnic cleansing of blacks. The other half thinks “rejuvenation” means the repopulation of Israel.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder – is this the same country that put a man on the moon?