Valentine’s Day Massacre!

February 14, 2010

*Pramod Mutalik : First gets kicked out of the Sangh Parivar, in Feb 2009 gets thousands of pink underwear delivered to his house, now gets his face blackened by Congress activists. Dude seems addicted to pain and humiliation.

Ditto for Bal Thackeray. Getting clobbered in the Maharashtra elections by the very ‘Maratha Manoos’ he was claiming to fight for wasn’t enough for him. He just had to come back for more pain & have Sachin Tendulkar and now SRK and K-Jo give him the middle finger.

*If Indians don’t like being the victim of racist attacks in Australia, they should stop making detergent ads that shout, “White Power!”

Have you ever seen a race more hypocritical than Indians? On the surface, they pretend to hate whites and be proud of their brown identity. But they’re fooling no one. I mean, have you seen a fairness cream ad lately? The brown girl gets kicked out and rejected from everywhere – job interviews, modeling agencies, lovers, marriage proposals, what have you, gets treated like something even the cat wouldn’t drag in and then… the turning point – she buys the magic cream that makes her whiter than friggin’ Ben Affleck and the whole world falls at her feet! Man! The only other time I’ve seen a white ass get kissed so hard is Donald Trump towards the end of an Apprentice episode.

So there you have it, in brown-land they sell creams to make you white and in white-land they sell tanning booths to make you brown.

*It’s about time the Karnataka Tourism Campaign changed it’s slogan from “One State, Many Worlds” to “One Government, Many Fuck-ups”.

The only people who seem to be getting rich and prosperous under the current government are dealers of diesel generators and power back-up equipment. But this time though, there’s a new breed of blood sucking parasites apart from the usual corrupt bureaucrats that is getting happy and prosperous – mosquitoes. I mean actual mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are getting well-fed and healthy too because there’s no power to operate the mosquito repellants at night. The liberals’ prediction that the BJP government would push Karnataka into the dark ages has turned out to be a little too literal. Did you know that Bangalore has slipped from #4 investor’s choice destination in India to #13?

Meanwhile, crime is sky-rocketing along with real estate and food prices, Bangalore’s as ugly as ever with clogged traffic, open drains and garbage piles, churches get ransacked, pigs’ heads get thrown inside mosques, savage Taliban-like moral police beat up girls in bars, all that the police does is collect bribes and beat up harmless weekend partying techies while the law and order situation has gone to the dogs, the Reddy brothers, the unbelievably incompetent handling of the flood crisis and swine flu and all the Yediyurappa Government can think of is banning cow slaughter!? I mean this guy has so many fuck-ups to his credit I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s related to George Bush!

Rationalist Vs. Some Dude

February 3, 2010

Hello Shekhar or Suresh or whatever your name is. Please see my replies in bold below. Good that you stood up for what you believed in. And thanks a lot for writing. Your letter is gold. Pure gold. That’s why I put it on my blog.

But having said that, let me say, I’ve never in my life read a more ignorant piece of shit as your letter. The only reason I’m replying to this is because I pity your ignorance.

Excuse me sir,
Yes?
I saw that you are a part of a rationalist group in Facebook.

I assume you spend a lot of time there.

Hence, I would like to ask you a few questions.

Shoot.

I know that it is abit long but if you can make out time then I am sure that you can atleast answer the first questions.
I can assure you, I’m more than capable of answering ALL your questions.
Hence, I would like to ask you five questions:
Firstly, you guys are too hyper on just one field.

I deny that accusation! We are hyper on ALL fields!

When it comes to what superstitious or not then you only show your daring, excitement and manhood towards those religion but do you have the courage to challenge those theories in science which have are not proven and have been accepted as postulates?

Have you heard that Pluto is no longer a planet?

I repeat….DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO CHALLENGE THOSE THEORIES AND FORMULAE IN SCIENCE WHICH ARE NOT PROVEN BUT HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED AS POSTULATES? ANSWER THIS IF U HAVE THE GUTS!!!!!!
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT PLUTO IS NO LONGER A PLANET!!?
For e.g. uniform circular motion, elastic force, kinetic friction and some of Newton and Einstein’s theories have not been proved and there is not a single evidence for them. However, they have been added in science books with great respect.

How many books have you read? I mean apart from those NCERT textbooks full of badly drawn pictures of village kids shitting in open fields.

On the contary, theories like rebirth still have some observation evidences but still have not been accepted in the scientific field.

You’ve gotta be kidding me! Rebirth!?

So, why don’t you south Indians show manhood, courage, heroism, adventurous attitude and excitement in those Newton, Einstein and other scientific theories which do not have a single evidence but still have been accepted as postulates in the scientific fields? DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO THAT? WHY SINGLE OUT SUCH OBVIOUS AND WEAK CASES LIKE REBIRTH ETC.? FOOLISH COWARDS!

We live in the age of machines and automation – planes, trains & automobiles, cranes, hydraulic presses, which have all been built on the basis of laws formulated by Newton and Einstein – I’ll be lucky if in my lifetime I become half the man any of them was. The mere fact that these machines exist and work is proof enough that these laws are true. Look around you. The evidence is everywhere. But you would rather believe your grandfather now lives in a cat.

If you have guts then can you give a concrete evidence (weather emperical or derivative) for Newton’s gravitational formula [F= G*(m1*m2)/R^2] before pointing finger against those superstitious beliefs? Pls keep in mind that masses of planets were found out using this unporoven formula only so that can’t be taken as a bases for proving this formula. These guys (Einstein and Newton) minted a lot of money and fame with these type of formulae which were unproven but were patented and accepted by scientists. You being a scientist must have read these formulae and perhaps accepted them also.

What retard told you they are unproven!? There is proof, alright!? There is plenty proof! Go ask anyone with a decent knowledge of physics. Just because you’re too stupid to understand it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong! And that’s the beauty of science. A religious leader can just stand up and declare whatever he wants and scare the shit out of people by telling them that if they don’t listen to him, there is this hermaphrodite spaceman up there who will burn them for a million years in a place called hell. He can get away with saying complete horseshit and nobody dares speak! But not scientists. When a scientist makes a claim, the first reaction of anybody is – skepticism. That is just how the scientific mind is conditioned. We do not accept anything without proof. A scientist has to work his ass off in order to make himself heard. It’s not that easy to get the Nobel Prize.

Why didn’t you go and protest against them?
Because we don’t want to look like idiots!
Secondly, you are completely, practical.

And yet, here I am, with you. Please continue.

Hence, I would like to ask you one thing. Do you think that is it “scientifically impossible” to transpose one thing to another without physically moving it? Is it true that such transporting of a object is scientifically not possible? Pls do reply if you really have guts.
My honest answer to that is… “I don’t know”. When I don’t know something, I admit it. I do not make some shit up and say, “Whoever does not believe this is an infidel!” Check Wikipedia or howstuffworks.com or howshithappens.com or something.
Thirdly, if there is less evidences or no evidences of rebirth etc. does happen then I suppose that you also do not have enough evidences or no evidences that rebirth etc. does not happen. What have you got to say about this?

Yesterday evening, I was walking home and I met a talking frog who told me that the world will indeed come to an end in 2012. He said his name was Leapy Frogspawn. In fact, that frog is a close friend of Amanda Peet and he actually has a role in the movie that was edited out and can be seen in the DVD extras. But he sounded pretty sure and convinced me that the world is indeed coming to an end. Now, I don’t have evidence to support this. I tried taking a video of it on my cell phone cam but the clever little turd disappeared. Now it’s quite evident that I don’t have evidence. But you don’t have any evidence that this did not happen. So have to believe me. What have you got to say about this?
Fourthly, there are many things which happen in this world by people which are not superstitious but are irrational. For e.g. a man may give some heavy amount to a departmental store without even checking that the product or service which he is getting from that store is worth that amount or not.

Then he got ripped off. What’s your point?

Another e.g. is that the people give taxes to the government irrationally without bothering that what the government does for them. On the contary people working more are earning very less than them.

Many government rules have been laid down without giving any reason. For e.g. the import duty on one substance should be 35% but why it is 35% and why not 30% or 40% has not been told. Isn’t this an irrational act?

I’m not even gonna comment on that one.
Also, many textbooks and books have also been written without applying any rational approach i.e. things have been explained with refernece to what the reader does not know that too. For e.g. if you arrive at the railway station in my country India and it’s capital Delhi and ask where is India Gate as you are new to Delhi and know nothing about it, the person whom ask gives a reply that it is infront of Presidential palace. However, you do not know that where Presidential palace is either. Instead he should have told with that context that go from HERE to left and then right and so on because HERE is what you presently know.

Well then ask him to say so he can go back to living his life!
The same happens with books. You ask that what is surface tension and they tell you that it happens with cohesion. However, you do not know what is cohesion either. If they however tell you that cohesion is attraction of like molecules to like molecules then you would not understand that what is attraction of like molecules to like molecules.

Someone so stupid that he can’t even understand the simple concept of cohesion? Who is this guy, Forrest Gump? Not that I’m comparing you to Forrest Gump. One is a retard with extremely low IQ. The other is Forrest Gump.

Also, there are on many ocassions very less information given that a different meaning may be derived by the statement, for e.g. they may tell you to go left and you may goto your left rather than his what he really meant.

Then clarify that simple bit of information, can’t you!?

Same is with books. They are edited in such manner with incomplete information that a different meaning is derived. For e.g. in Class 12 physics (Chapter Electric Forces pages 17 and 18 or so and e.g. 1.7) of NCERT (If you type NCERT electric forces in Google or yahoo search then you will come to know) many steps are missing while explaining the force on equilateral triangle. They did not mention that you have to do it with vector algebra also when vector algebra was nowhere mentioned before. So, it was quite rational that they should have explained it step by step but they haven’t. The same is with American courses like CCNA as they start explaining that how IP address is received or intercepted rather than explaining that how can an electric signal carry an IP address.

Trust me, CCNA is way too advanced for you.
The biggest example of irrationalism is that the Central Board Of Secondary Education (CBSE) does not give back the photocopy of the answer scripts till today when so much technological development has taken place even in colour videography. Candidates tend to loose marks due to the irrational behavior of the evaluators and on the other hand are expected to score more than 80 to 90 percent in their papers. All other western countries as far as I know have the right to ask for photocopies of their answer scripts.
So, why don’t you go and challenge these irrational acts first?
Sue those bastards!

Fifthly and lastly, if you claim to be so intelligent, then why don’t you use it for yourself and become rich?

Yes. Yes! I’m trying to become rich and famous and buy fast cars and have supermodels sleep with me, but pricks like you keep interrupting me all the time!

If you really have guts and you act with reason then you would reply back else like foolish coward you would prove yourself to be one and also for the remaining other fools who can show their daring and excitement just in one place.

You are…

  1. 1. Talking out of your ass
  2. 2. Not showing your face

So I think the jury is in on who’s the “foolish coward” over here is.

Thank you.
I hope that you would reply ASAP but the remaining is upto you and if you do not reply then I got nothing to loose.

You got that last bit right.

This is a message sent to many people who claim to be rationalists. My e-mail is in your reply button but if you are not able to read then here are my e-mail addresses XXXXXXXXXXXX@yahoo.co.in.

However, it is upto you to reply or not or completely ignore this message or/and block and report my profile. It does not affect me.

When you say you’re not giving a damn, you ARE giving a damn.

Listen here, kid. You are way too young and naïve to mess around with rationalists. You’re just too young and have a lot to learn and totally sound like a kid.  Have you even learnt how to masturbate yet? You have a looooooong way to go before you can even BEGIN to approach a rationalist. Trust me, we people are bad-ass and will pulverize anyone who dares disrespect science.

This battle has been going on for thousands of years and science has always won and religion has suffered nothing but humiliating defeats again and again and again. Religion is just a convenient lie. When people say they favor religion over science, what they’re in fact saying is, “We give up. Our brains haven’t evolved to that level yet. This whole shit about gravity and molecular attraction and genetics and evolution is way too advanced for us, so we’ll just stick to the same folk tales that Neanderthal food gatherers made up in their attempts to demystify the wonderful world around us.”

So log off and get to your books and study! You can start with English because you spellings are horrible and your grammar sucks! I clicked on MS-Word spell check and my processor almost burned out.

And yeah, real smart move leaving your e-mail for all to see.  I’ve XXXed it over here, but I know who you are where you live and where you work and I even know what you look like. And as if that’s not enough, you’ve even left your initials to confirm your identity. Have a nice day.

DEMOCRATS AND WANDERING EYES

September 21, 2009

*I can understand the American public’s resentment over the photo of Barrack Obama where it looks like he’s checking out a woman’s ass. Remember what happened the last time they elected a Democrat?

And get over Bill Clinton already. Guy gets blown, big deal! Clinton was human. Clinton was a gentleman. Bush was the blowhard!

Clinton is a charismatic diplomat who rescued Euna Lee and Laura Ling, the two imprisoned American journalists ,from North Korea this year. That too from a person like Kim Jong-il. As opposed to George Bush yelling “Bring it on!” like a cheerleader in a catfight.

*Alan Wilson Jr. is right. There isn’t 1 racist bone in his father’s body. There’s 206.

 *Horrible things are happening to people who are trying to steal the limelight from Barrack Obama in the news. Micheal Jackson died, Yelena Isinbayeva lost the gold, Chinese hit by floods, Malaysian model sentenced to caning, Schumacher’s big comeback plans cancelled, Jaswant Singh gets expelled from BJP, Baitullah Mehsud dies, Bernie Madoff is jailed, fires in Athens, wildfires in California, Lockerbie bomber is dying of cancer, Suu Kyi’s prison sentence is extended – is Obama voodooing out the competition?

*Silvio Berlusconi has defended his actions saying Italians support him and want to be like him. Dude. You are 72-years old and nail lingerie models on their 18th birthday. Anybody would want to be like you!

Meanwhile, wannabe comedians should stop trying to sell lame old Clinton jokes by replacing Clinton’s name with Berlusconi. And don’t try to pick up a woman using one of those. The irony is, you’re hoping to get as much tail as Berlusconi, i.e. hoping to get there by making fun of the very man you’re hoping to be like.

*Stop chastizing Shashi Tharoor for calling Economy Class Cattle Class. He wasn’t being a snob, he was just referring to Air India’s Air Hostesses – fat, old cows.

*Meanwhile, attacks on Indians in Australia continue. And all Kevin Rudd Has to say is, “Australia is safer than America.” What the hell? Are we supposed to be impressed by that? America is the land of Al Capone, MS-13, The Crips and Dick Cheney! Any place is safer than America!

*Okay, I know this is an old one, but I still can’t get over the whole Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal. Just what the hell were they thinking when they took those photographs!? I mean there’s a ton of totally awesome cool things you could do in the military that you could take photographs of. You could photograph yourself beside an F-22 raptor or an M134 Gatling gun or standing on the deck of a multi-billion dollar aircraft carrier, and all these retards had to show was, “Hey look, I got gay with a bunch of hairy, naked A-rabs!”.

I mean photographs! They could have looked like movie stars if they wanted to, like Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme. But I’ll bet the movie they had in mind was Willie Comes Marching Home.

RIGHT IS WRONG!

September 6, 2009

*Indian filmmakers should stop trying to pass off slutty as modern. I’m referring to the latest blemish on the name of cinema that Bollywood (they piss me off! GRRR!!!) has to offer – Love Aaj Kal. It’s not a movie, it’s a 3 hour root canal! For the love of God, when the educated masses all over the world are discovering the genius of Rumi, these retards actually used the term “ding-dong” in song lyrics! The only reason I sat through till the end was because I have mild OCD and have to finish what I started. Dear Meera (that’s the name of the female lead character), just because you fornicate a lot, dress like a hooker, pretend to be drunk so that your boyfriend makes a move at you, marry a guy and ditch the poor bastard the very next day just on a whim doesn’t make you a modern liberated woman free to make her choices – it makes you a ROYAL whore! When I started watching the movie I was a liberal, pro-globalization rationalist. After the movie, I threw out my shaving razor and prayed that the Taliban should take over the world.

*Michael Bay should really cut back on the violence. He does more damage in 90 minutes than the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs could have ever hoped to achieve. Legend has it that Superman went in to see Transformers 2 and when he came out, what he thought was a fly buzzing in the next city was in fact his ears ringing!

*”They were the most spectacular, terrifying and successful life-forms ever.”

These words were spoken by the late Walter Cronkite in “Tale of a Tooth” – the first installment in a four part documentary series on dinosaurs titled simply Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs – a term now synonymous with extinction. Extinction because dinosaurs couldn’t adapt to a newer changing world that was eventually taken over by bright-eyed, faster, more adaptable mammals.

I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between this and recent political happenings. First, the crushing defeat suffered by the BJP in India. Then, there was a certain someone who wanted to do a certain something on Valentines day and found himself inundated by more pink underwear than in Little Richard’s closet. Given the humiliation and ridicule faced by right-wing parties and activists, does this mean the right wing parties are losing their hold in India? Does this reflect the mindset of a changing India?

Almost all countries have always been divided into liberals and conservatives. And nowhere is this divide more obvious than in India. Right-wing parties scream, threaten. ransack and pillage like the medieval savages that they are, but the winds of globalization are quietly sweeping a change. The conservative vs. liberal divide is no longer merely about politics. The divide can be seen in the everyday life of more than 1 billion Indians. Take for instance the infamous arranged marriage vs. love marriage debate. Wait a minute. The antonym of arranged marriage has progressed far far beyond merely love marriage. Conservative stereotypes straight out of an 80’s Bollywood movie who thought an innocent  love affair will mitti me mila the khaandaan’s izzat will suffer a heart attack if they take a look at the shit going on today – one night stands, live-ins, friendships of convenience, speed-dating, alternate sexuality and who knows what else? And if you’re thinking youngsters, you’re really not from this planet.

People are now waking up to the fact that there is nothing morally wrong with dating and flirting. It’s just an excuse made up by those who can’t get laid. Wedding vows are changing from “I have to” to “I do”.

And here’s the new definition of arranged marriage – incompetent biological entities who have lost the mating game turn to their parents in desperation and say, “I give up. Mom, dad, please help me find a mate because I’m not capable enough to walk up to a girl and start a conversation.”

And yes, section 377 is decriminalized and buggery is legal. I’m a straight guy and now people eye me suspiciously whenever I hang out with my guy friends. Remember the good old days when reputations would be spoilt by being seen with girls? When a guy and a girl are seen together in public, people no longer whisper “they are sleeping together.” A woman ogled at no longer gives you the old “Ghar mein maa behen…” monologue. She is now flattered and it makes her day, that she’s stare-worthy!

Earlier, Indians used to think there were just three professions – doctors, engineers and pimps. But now, professions are varied and multi-hued and an office is no longer rusty steel tables, S-chairs and Godrej lockers and rickety old fans. They are now swank, carpeted, air-conditioned and the restrooms have soap dispensers. The ceilings are false and the decor is truly international. Downtime is low and spirits are high. Are as most of the employees, since they’re fresh out of college.

And people have actually learnt how to enjoy their hard-earned buck. Today if a middle-aged office-goer is saving money, it’s for a vacation in Goa, not the beti ki shaadi.

Bata has been replaced by Woodlands and Converse All-stars. Amar Chitra Katha and Chandamama by Harry Potter. Balconies and Gandhi Class by the egalitarian(?) multiplexes. City markets by malls. Coconut oil by imported conditioner. Names like McDonalds, Barista and Papa John’s were unheard of 10 years ago. Look out on the streets. the one dressed as a westerner is the Indian and the one dressed in Indian garb is the westerner. Hedonism is no longer a sin – it’s a lifestyle!

Where does god stand in all this? Well, liberals don’t need to chase the heaven in the sky. They have their heaven right here. They know what they want and they go for it. Religion for them is just a cock-blocker.

Meanwhile, the oily-faced, pot-bellied conservatives who have given up all hopes of ever fitting in to normal civilized society continue chasing the heaven up in the skies while ironically destroying the heaven that earth could have been had they diverted their energies towards bettering their lives here on earth.

In age when politically correct language, corporate manners and professional communication are the norm (i.e. your subordinate can drag you the Human Resource manager if he feels your “tone of voice was not proper”) our politicians bicker, brawl and trash-talk e ach other like those hirsute overcompensating tough guys in southern trash cinema, further spoiling the already in jeopardy reputation of their party. Kind of ironic that they should call themselves a party because the only connection between them and a party is when they poop on one.

Bottom-line is, in an increasingly globalized world, the left is moving in the right direction and right is being left behind.

If you stand still, you’re moving backwards at the speed of light.

THE FRENCH CORRECTION

August 23, 2009

FRENCH PRESIDENT WANTS TO BAN HEADSCARVES 

My first reaction was, “What the heck? Instead of trying to take other women’s clothes off, Nikolas Sarkozy should instead focus on trying to get his wife to wear some! Besides, that job has already been taken by Silvio Berlusconi and he’s really good at it!

Let me get this straight. I’m not a big fan of headscarves myself, be it the Islamic hijab or the nun’s habit. That’s just my opinion and if the religious police have a problem with that, they can go pray me away. It’s not a question of whether it’s right or wrong, the question is, “So what if a chick wants to wrap a cloth around her head?” Is it the end of the world? Is that really the most pressing issue at hand right now? Is that what people elect Presidents for? To interfere with women’s wardrobes? Instead of focusing on improving the economy and fighting swine flu, why is the President focusing on such a trivial non-issue? France has much more important issues to worry about, like all those ridiculous haute couture clothes. Ban those! For the love of god, I’m losing my head trying to figure out what they’re about!

 Sarko was quick to label Obama as “inexperienced”. But has he learnt nothing from the recent history of his own country? Is he so naïve as to not take into account the fury, backlash and bad PR this will bring? Remember the 2005 riots by Algerian immigrants? (Yes, Muslims.) In these troubled times, when the Western World is in damage control mode with Muslims all over, why is Sarkozy hell-bent on undoing what Obama tried to do with his famous Cairo speech? Napoleon Complex? I thought France was all about freedom – the freedom to wear (or not wear) whatever you want. But by banning headscarves, Sarkozy is no better than the hardliners he’s trying to send a message to. 

 SINGH IS KING

You can’t claim to be brainstorming when there are no brains involved. I’m referring of course, to the BJP’s post-mortem meeting in Shimla. Right wing groups are opposed to change and innovation by definition. What brains do you need to maintain status quo and keep your country in the dark ages? For merely hinting a change in outlook, they ousted a comrade of 30 years. Jaswant Singh is not a traitor, he’s a martyr for the cause of freedom of speech, because despite 60 years of independence, India is still a country where morons will make you change the name of your movie from “Billoo Barber” to “Billoo” because according to them, calling a barber a barber is offensive! I would understand if the movie was called something like “Billoo – the gossip-mongering, minimum-wage, lip-cutter”, but something as harmless as “Barber”? Come on, grow up!

 Religious fanatics of all religions blindly enforce ridiculous rules on ordinary citizens without thinking of the practical feasibility of their so-called “divine laws” – be it the stoning of women, forbidding the use of contraceptives, or preventing lovers from dating on Valentine’s day. In fact, the only justification a hardliner can offer you for enforcing a rule is, “Because it’s there!” That’s the same excuse George Costanza (of Seinfeld, for the uninitiated) had to offer when his mother caught him…

MEANWHILE… 

*Teen Icon Miley Cyrus’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus, defended her pole-dancing act at a recent event by saying, “It was just for entertainment.” Well, Einstein, of course it’s for entertainment! What do you think all the rest of the strippers are doing up there, researching a cure for cancer!?

*Donald Trump says controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean’s naked photos are “Okay.” Well, thanks for overstating the obvious. Let’s see now, they’re pictures of a woman. She’s beautiful. And she’s naked. I’d say they’re more than okay.

*Gwen Stefani is worried about her son, Zuma, becoming a social misfit. Then why has she named her son after a frog that spits colored balls in a gutter? (Zuma is a popular computer game, google it.)

Dragon Bollocks!

August 16, 2009

China says India has to be split into 20-30 parts. Thanks, but we have enough splits as it is – between liberals and conservatives, left-wing and right-wing, old and young, nationalists and separatists, democratic and communist, clerics and laymen, hardliners and moderates, pro-gay and anti-gay, fanatics and seculars, north and south, east and west, rich and poor, nerdy and cool, haves and have-nots, fair and dark, arranged marriage and love marriage, capitalists and working class, malls and mom-and-pop stores, Anil and Mukesh Ambani, vegetarians and bloodthirsty carnivores and you still want to improve on this? But the Chinese do have a point. There is so much in-fighting in India, perhaps all these cliques should have their own hood, for instance, Pramod Mutalik and his gang of woman-haters could be given their own little island where they can spend the rest of their days in their own Utopian world, completely devoid of females, you know, like the last dinosaurs. But at the end of the day, yes, the idea is quixotic and delusional. And I’ll tell you who else is delusional. You are, if you still believe in the myth of “Unity in Diversity.” Read the first paragraph again. And the Indian government has issued a tactfully worded statement expressing its displeasure over this “suggestion”. And guess who else is warning China. It’s everybody’s favorite bearded badass – Osama Bin Laden. Apparently, Laden’s all pissy about ‘cause last months civil unrest in China has resulted in a number of Muslim deaths, and he has ‘warned’China. Uh, not the best idea, messing with a permanent member of the UNSC. He did that with America and we all know how well that one worked out. Bin Laden and China would be one confrontation I would not want to miss. Imagine – Chinese troops raid Bin Laden’s lair and Osama, all beefed up about his impending 72 virgins (the closest a hardliner will ever get to 3rd base), picks up his AK-47 and yells “Allahuakbar!” and proceeds to fire, but the infidels wont die ‘cause his gun won’t fire, prompting him to yell, “Wtf!? It’s jammed!” And the Chinese would be like, “What do you expect? It’s Made in China.” But let’s face it, we have a lot to learn form the Chinese. Communism sucks, yeah, but all kids get free and compulsory education up to the age of 14 in China. They kick our ass at the Olympics year after year after year. They’ve even hosted the last Olympics and very successfully. We don’t have a single city that can match up to Shanghai or Beijing. But China does have its downsides too. We Indians irritate cine-connoisseurs with our cheesy song-and-dance scenes. The do the same with Kung Fu. They make millions by reverse engineering manufactured goods. We reverse engineer bad Hollywood movies. But the Chinese are definitely more progressive and forward-looking, which is more than I can say for our pot-bellied, oily-faced Indian legislators. Anyone noticed how Indian laws always centre on “stopping” and “banning” and “preventing”? Ban cellphones in schools, ban smoking in public places, shut shops and restaurants at 11:30, ban live music, ban bar-dancers, its always “stop this, ban that.” This is even mirrored in our infrastructure. The roads are bad, but the speed-breakers are always curvaceous and spectacular! But if you try and stop the Chinese, they’ll shoot you if need be. And no doubt about it, they’re great at filling lead in things.

So Republicans screwed the world over, and yet they persist trying to save their image, trying to sell the idea that they’re actually doing something. And their idea of that is, beating around the bush and nit-picking over Barrack Obama’s every little move. For example, the way they criticized him for bowing in front of the Saudi Monarch. Which is kind of odd, because when I think of politicians bending over, I usually think Mark Foley or Larry Craig.

 

And let me clear this once and for all. When they call George Bush “Bush 43”, they’re referring to his IQ.

 

Meanwhile, the recession seems to show no signs of slowing down. The sub-prime mortgage crisis is the biggest real estate debacle since the pyramids. Yeah, the pyramids, I mean what the heck? All that tons of limestone, decades of construction and billions spent and an entire nation of manpower mobilized all just to hold a bunch of corpses? Spending all that money for people who don’t need money. Sounds like one of Obama’s bail-out packages. But the pyramids did turn out to be money-spinners in the end – 5000 years later! Egypt now has a tourism industry thanks to the pyramids. But an investment that took 5000 years to bear fruit? Come on! By then, your language is hieroglyphics and your religious symbols are used as knick-knacks in strip clubs (I heard).

 

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse, AIG comes crashing down, suffering the largest corporate loss recorded in history. And this affects me. I live and work in Bangalore. No, I’m not in outsourcing. And my perks include free transport, free cookies and a family medical plan. And guess which Insurance Company is behind my medical plan. AIG. So it kind of disturbs me that the people taking care of my health are on their death-bed themselves. In fact, I’m looking forward to claim health insurance from a company that might not even be there next month. And is as that’s not enough, somebody in there is a comedian. You know what Indian Company AIG has a tie-up with? You’re not gonna believe this. It’s TATA-AIG. Expect more collaborations, like Sayonara Citibank and So Long General Motors.

 

 And news from the home-front, Indian legislators decided to crack down big time on “ragging”, the crime of college seniors harassing freshmen and noobs. But some of them justified it by using that old Indian excuse. See according to them, it’s fine because its also done in America. Everything is fine as long as America’s doing it. Last year, at a Bollywood awards function, Ashutosh Gowariker and Sajid Khan had an ugly, very public spat over the latter’s allegedly offensive jokes. And Sajid Khan’s defense? “They do it at the Oscars!” Hey, you know what retards? Here’s something else America’s doing. They have gay senators. So the next time a fat hairy guy gropes you, soak it up, Americans are doing it!

The American Nightmare

August 2, 2009

Bush for President was such a bad idea from the beginning. You’re telling me that the US military, the world’s most powerful war machine with a budget allocation of more than 700 billion dollars a year, was left in the hands of some retarded Texan cowboy and a guy who can’t even come back in one piece from a quail hunting trip!?

Furthermore, what’s this bullshit about Iran and its plans for a nuclear holocaust? Iran is not gonna blow the world up. In fact, it was Washington that was responsible for the last blow that shook the world. It was called “The Lewinsky Scandal”.

The so-called war on terrorism has yielded nothing but bloodshed and widespread anti-American sentiment. Terrorists are breeding like rabbits on aphrodisiacs and baying for America’s blood like never before. The world is gripped by fear and paranoia like never before. Airport security procedures for instance are overkill. By the time you step out of the plane and out on to American soil, you get grasped and groped by more men than Jenna Jameson in her entire career. This gives a whole new meaning to “goods damaged in transit.”

But then again, it’s a matter of perspective. There are people who get offended by the mere thought that they could be strip-searched by a female officer. The way I see it, I’ve barely landed on American soil and already a woman’s asking me to take my clothes off! Talk about Land of Opportunity.

But seriously, how long has it been since you’ve heard the terms “Land of Opportunity” and “American Dream”? America is no longer about that. It’s no longer the country we grew up loving. People no longer wish to go to America.  They now wish America doesn’t come to them.

The myth that America is #1 in everything has long since been debunked, at least in the minds of the well-read and well-informed. They definitely do no have the best economy right now. They’re not the freest country in the world, like most jihadists would like to believe.  They don’t make the best cars in the world. That would be the Italians (For that matter, add Italian before anything and it sounds real fancy – Italian shoes, Italian leather, Italian suits, Italian marble, get the gist?). In fact, Europeans are better at most things than the Americans. Europe is the center of arts, fine cuisine and culture. Ever heard of a European badly wanting to go on an America tour?

When Americans travel to Europe, they carry cameras, hats and sunglasses. When Europeans travel to America, they carry antacids and laxatives.

And the education situation in America is so abysmally low, they’re actually looking up to the Chinese and Indians. In fact, they’re becoming so stupid, half the people think “denigrate” means ethnic cleansing of blacks. The other half thinks “rejuvenation” means the repopulation of Israel.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder – is this the same country that put a man on the moon?

A Brotha in da house!

July 27, 2009

Barrack Obama says race is still an issue in America . How true. You really think anyone would have given a shit if Rodney King was a white dude?

Yes, congratulations America . You finally have a President who can actually form a coherent sentence. America can once again look forward to being leader of the free world. But there is a downside to all this. Comedians all over the world have lost a golden-egg laying goose called George Bush. “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”  Wow! How do you top something that? I know this sounds weird, but I’m gonna miss him. I’m kidding of course! I am, like all sensible people, glad he’s gone. Thank you 22nd amendment.

But Barrack Obama is booooooring! How do you make fun of an upright, seemingly infallible person who’s just so so perfect!? The only thing that came close to a goof-up was the whole issue with Tom Daschle and a few other tax defaulters being as nominees for important government positions. Of course, he apologized immediately and admitted he goofed up. Now Obama can get away saying he goofed up. George Bush can’t. I mean, if Bush were to utter the words, “I goofed up” people would be like, “Duh!”

And so we have the Stimulus Package to clean the whole sub-prime mortgage crisis mess which some believe might have had roots as far back as the Clinton Administration. While it’s not hard to see why the words stimulus and package in the same sentence remind one of Clinton, the point here is, home-ownership for everyone was one of the goals of the Bush and Clinton administration. It was a legacy they wanted to leave behind like all great presidents did. George Washington is known as Father of the Nation, Abraham Lincoln’s had the Emancipation Proclamation, Ronald Reagan had his Reaganomics, Bill Clinton left behind an excellent idea for a stain remover ad, etc. etc.

As for George Bush – let’s see now, ever since he stepped into the White House, Sept. 11 happened, war in Afghanistan, war in Iraq, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, PATRIOT Act, hurricane Katrina, Valerie Plame, Military Commissions Act, dismissal of attorneys, Cheney shoots a guy, pre-emptive wars, global recession and as one last final act of humiliation, he had to go out in a final blaze of incompetence – the show throwing incident happens. He dodged both of them of course, which will be remembered as his only successful act in matters of defense.

So that’s the Bush and Clinton legacy for you. One remembered for blowing stuff up, the other for blowing, period.

But Bush did achieve one thing that no other president in history managed to do. Bush gave birth to a stereotype that people thought was impossible – the self-hating American. Wow! Who would have thought the American people could learn to hate their country, that great nation that invented fast food, the 2-day weekend and online pornography!?